Sex therapists and relationship counselors will tell you that sexless marriages are more common than one may think. Depressingly so, in fact! As it turns about roughly 60 percent of married or committed couples remain in sexless relationships for a variety of reasons. Although sex should never be the center of a relationship, it is important to keep the flame ignited for a balanced and intimate relationship. Why then are so many people forgoing these intimate acts? The reasons may or may not surprise you.
Vanilla Isn’t a Popular Flavor
There are a small percentage of people who love vanilla ice cream and at the same time are perfectly content with their sex life being vanilla (read: boring, the same old and routine.) Studies show however that one of the most common complaints and reasons why you and your spouse may not be having sex is because the act has become (or has always been) stale and too vanilla.
This is especially true for couples that have been in a monogamous relationship for years or decades. While knowing the ins and out of your partner, sex should never become so routine that it is boring.
Lack of Communication
Far too many couples are not talking about sex. And if they are, it’s usually one person complaining of the lack thereof. Couples need to consistently engage in sex conversation and this should include sharing fantasies and brainstorming ideas of how to keep sex and intimacy exciting and progressive.
This is not to say that every fantasy has to be fulfilled and made a reality, but some of them should be. Therapists often consult with couples who never speak about sex and this is troublesome. After all, sex should be rewarding and if you aren’t communicating with your partner what your desires and turn-ons are, they won’t know.
Lack of the Big O
This is more of a conundrum for women than men but if we think of it realistically, why would your partner want to continue to engage in sexual activity if the payoff isn’t there? In fact, ongoing sex sessions minus an amazing orgasm will become pointless and frustrating after a period of time, especially for women.
Research shows that most women need an average of 15-30 minutes of foreplay before their bodies are anywhere near ready to rock and roll whereas men need far less.
Communicate to your partner what kind of foreplay really gets you going and ask that they work on making it a part of your foreplay. This will not only make sex more exciting and rewarding, but foreplay also brings back the emotional intimacy that may be lacking.
Sex Isn’t a Priority
We all have a lot on our plates: work, kids, errands, housework etc. On a day to day basis it makes sense that sex is swiftly placed at the bottom of the “to- do” list so much so that months may go by without an encounter.
Couples are far too concerned with their to- do lists but often don’t manage to schedule in love making time and this can be a relationship killer. We also often succumb to the exhaustion after a day packed with work and household responsibilities so by the time evening rolls around, sex is the last thing on our minds.
Contrary to belief though, it takes little energy to have a great sex session and once you get your body going we have these nifty things called endorphins which are elevated when we become passionate and sexually active. Those same endorphins will increase our energy levels and once the session is over, you will also find that you sleep better. Orgasms have also proven to be great stress relievers so after a stressful day at work the best gift you can offer yourself is a release.
You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling
It may be that you are no longer in love or lust with your partner. This isn’t a good thing and there will be a hard choice ahead of both of you if this is the case. Some relationships can be repaired and reignited while others may not be salvageable.
If this is where you are some counseling may help or in some cases, it may be time to think about ending a loveless relationship.
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